( You've got me wrapped around your finger, do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger? )

The bathtub crouches like an animal in the master bath. Logan looks at it with narrowed eyes, Ace in his arms.

Logan had put his foot down, taken Ace so that Tess could get some sleep after being up with both insomnia and nursing Ace. Her last mumbled sentence before she crashed was that Ace needed a bath. Which is why Logan is holding a naked Ace and looking suspiciously at the bathtub.

He doesn't remember any animal-like qualities of the bathtub when he had chosen it out. Had pictured lots of candles and ambient music and him and Tess drinking champagne among scented bubbles. Or not scented. Yeah, that fantasy got girly in a hurry. But the bathtub... the porcelain looks way too hard compared to Ace's rather floppy body, and the amount of water it can hold.... Just way too many gallons of water considering Ace can't hold his head up for longer than a second.

Logan considers his options. The kid needs a bath, he's stripped down to his birthday suit, and the dangers of holding a naked baby are well known. Tess needs some sleep, which left...

Somehow Logan is able to strip, balancing Ace precariously, but his son just blinks up at him in perfect trust. Carefully steps into the bathtub, holding Ace against his chest, and leans back, the water lapping around his son's feet and legs.

Ace makes a questioning noise, moves his feet.

"Yep, Mom says you smell," Logan tells his son. "And for some reason women are hung up on the way manly men smell."

Logan sinks down low enough that he can balance Ace on his chest, suds up the tiny washcloth with the monogrammed A -- all of Ace's bath things were monogrammed, apparently Lynn thought Logan would get confused as to the towels he could use and the tiny squares of cloth that were Ace's -- and starts washing his son.

He moves Ace to one side, high against his shoulder, to wash the bits down south, and Ace moves, shoves his elbow into a scar on the soft side of Logan's arm. Logan winces slightly; Ace had found the place where Aaron had chosen to put out the cigarettes Logan had experimented with. Sometimes the three small circles were tender, and Ace had chosen a bad day. Logan blinks, looks at Ace. His small, unmarked body is a perfect contrast to the tanned roughness of Logan's own skin, the few spots where the belt had broken his skin, the weird bump where a rib healed wrong.

"You're perfect, ya know that, kid?" Logan soaps down a small foot, and Ace's brow wrinkles, he turns his head slightly and tastes his father's arm. "Don't go changing on me, okay? And I.. will always have your back." Ace is doing some serious rooting, mouthing the scarred skin. Logan winces again. "You're not gonna find anything there. Let's rinse off and find mom, whaddya say?"

Ace makes a sound that his parents had learned means he's hungry and Logan stands, grabs one of his own towels and wraps it around the both of them. He decides both he and Ace are gonna do the manly thing and not wear their shirts, pulls on a pair of boxers, and diapers Ace. He pauses for a moment, Ace and him looking at each other, and finally brushes a finger down his cheek. "Love ya, Little Guy. Always, okay?"

Ace widens his eyes, makes a small sound, and Logan takes it to mean Love you, too, Pops.

When Tess is awake Logan keeps his calm. Helps her work through a new recipe, breathe through the fucking Braxton-Hicks, maybe works on his homework, all within sight of Tess, within reaching distance of his wife. He know she's completely freaked out by Aaron's appearance, and remarkably, the thought calms him more. Be there for Tess. Take care of Tess. And Ace. Always, always Ace.

It's when Tess is napping or sleeping during the dead hours of the night that Logan crumbles a little. Paces the suite, going from bedroom to kitchen to living room, fists opening and closing. Remembering Aaron and the belt. Remembering the sex tapes with Lilly. Keith Mars showing up at his door with the question, Paid $10,000 for that experience? Yeah, well, no one has ever accused Logan of being someone who lets grudges go.

He hasn't slept much since the first time he saw Aaron's post. Still a bit pissed that Tess had tried to hide it for so long, but he understands where that need had come from. The same place where he wishes to God Aaron didn't know the name of his wife, of his son. That thought alone keeps Logan awake. Aaron knowing their names.

And that first thought that Lynn would go back to him. That Lynn would turn her back on everything they had built here. Logan still feels a twinge of guilt that it had been his first instinct. Lynn had never been an ally in this fight. More of a bystander. And Logan knows she had her reasons, knows how far Aaron's reach could have gone in hurting them. Knows it more with Logan about to be father, the lengths one would go to protect a son.

He paces into the kitchen, opens the fridge uselessly, stares blindly. Wants so bad for Aaron to push it, to show up on one of Weevil's security cams, him and Weevil, maybe Duncan and Dick descending like vengeance. I believe you're right, Mr. Navarro. That phrase still occasionally wakes Logan up at night. The fridge door slams, Logan goes into the living room, reads obsessively the last exchange with Aaron. Sev and his ability to stopper death, wave his wand and inflict pain. All of these available to Logan, the ability, almost, to reach out and snuff Aaron Echolls out like a candle.

But he knows it won't be that easy, it's never that easy with his father. Look how long after Veronica and Keith took him down he had stayed around. There was bound to be collateral damage, regardless of the choices Logan could make to kill his father.

Tess and Ace could be that collateral damage.

It was the only thing keeping Logan from using his godbox, calling Sev or Duncan or Weevil or even undead Veronica. Aaron always knows the best place to hurt Logan. Tess and Ace were so vulnerable right now. There was no way Logan could risk it now.

He paces back into the bedroom, makes a motion to go to bed, slipping off his t-shirt and shoes. Stops and looks at Tess. They were so close. Close to Ace being here, close to finding a happily ever after. Tess snuffles in her sleep, one hand flopping down on Logan's side. Logan needs to crawl into bed with her, curl around her and feel her heartbeat and Ace's.

He can't. He doesn't.

Logan drops his shirt to the floor and starts to pace again. Fists opening and closing uselessly.

Date:	2009-02-02 16:17
Subject:	neutralground, Log, Tess and Logan on the Run
Security:	Public

( Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you... )

( Happy Fun Ace and Logan Bonding Time )

Logan could feel himself relax slightly as he drove to the park he and Tesla had agreed on; it would be nice to enjoy the day, play with Jackson, and think of all the things he would do to Tesla as soon as the kids were asleep. There was still a twinge of worry when he thought of Veronica, knew he would have to call her later to see how her procedure went. Far be it for him to judge her one or the other, and any sympathy he would have felt for Piz had been destroyed when Piz hit Veronica. Mostly he kept thinking of Veronica falling sick the way Tesla had, losing any ability to have kids. He sighed, glanced at the passenger seat to the six pack that still sat there, then up to the rear view mirror to check on Jackson.

The King was regally asleep, head flopped over bonelessly and a line of drool dropping from the corner of his mouth. Logan laughed softly and checked the GPS; another mile to the park. He had stopped at a catering place and put together a huge picnic basket, had stopped at a sporting goods store and bought a couple of games to play. Final stop at an electronics store, to buy something for Jeffrey, with Jackson's help.

Logan had not responded to Tesla's email, glad that she had backed off on whatever the hell she had almost said after cyberfucking. He had to grin at the whole boyfriend thing, he hadn't been anyone's boyfriend since college, and the thought was thrilling even as he thought he should mock it. BOYFRIEND. Should he buy her a pin? A promise ring? Let her wear his letterman jacket? Logan shook his head, laughing under his breath. Nah, he'd just take her home and keep her naked in his bed for a week.

The park was coming up, and Logan pulled into the parking lot and turned off the car. Jackson woke up at the cessation of movement, and Logan unbuckled him from the car seat, swung him down to the ground. "Now, no smart ass remarks, little man," he said. "You be nice to my lady friend."

The King cocked his head, looked up at his father. "Is she gonna be gone tomorrow?"

Logan shook his head. "I hope not. She is not one of those kind of lady friends."

"Is she your... girlfriend?"

Logan snorted, but nodded his head. "She is. You gonna be cool?"

Jackson nodded and took Logan's hand. "I be cool, Pop."

Logan smiled and grabbed the bag that had Jeffrey's present before heading toward the playground, where they had decided to meet.

Logan finally relaxes enough to let himself sleep deeply, talks himself into thinking the last dream was just anxiety over the pregnancy, anxiety from himself and Tess. He grins as he molds himself around Tess' sleeping form, rests his hand on her hip, dips his face into her hair to inhale her scent before falling into sleep.

"It's the force of the impact. C'mon, Dad, wake up."

"Don't call me that," he says automatically, sitting up on the couch and rubbing his face.

Ace is leaning over the back of the couch, hair too long, watching his father with large dark eyes. Logan can't look at him sometimes, his eyes so much like his mother's. He looks about ten, and his face is pale, strain around his mouth. Logan feels an absence like his heart's been torn out, and he checks himself again, counts his limbs, wonders what's missing.

"Don't let her do it Daddy, please."

"No, no, it's okay," Logan says, "I'll take care of you. Please, don't call me daddy." But he doesn't move from his place on the couch, and there's a burn along his limbs, clouding his mind, and he realizes he's under the influence. "C'mere, come sit with me."

Ace is shaking his head no, and his eyes go wide with panic as the door to the suite opens, and Kendall breezes in, sets her purse down. She's chatting about something, about some sale or shopping, and Logan looks at her and thinks she's beautiful. But again, a light has gone out and he can't see clearly.

"Ace," she says suddenly, and the tone of her voice makes Logan frown. "Ace, I found crayons in my briefcase again. Have you been playing with stuff you shouldn't?"

Ace backs up, folds his hands together. "No, ma'am."

Kendall flicks a glance to Logan, but all he can do is look back at her. Can't move from the couch. There's a glass on the coffee table, filled with amber liquid, a couple of pill bottles with Logan's name on the labels.

"I think you have," Kendall says, and her mouth goes thin even as her eyes dilate with pleasure. "Go get Daddy's belt, Ace."

"Don't call me that," Logan says but no one seems to hear him, and Ace turns, disappears into the bedroom.

Kendall leans down and kisses Logan, looks into his face. "It's the force of the impact, sugar daddy. I'm going to take care of your boy."

No, don't touch him, leave him alone. "Okay." Logan slumps down on the couch again as Kendall walks in the bedroom. After a moment he hears one bitten-off cry from Ace, then nothing. His hand is shaking as he reaches for a pill bottle, the glass on the table. He's glad to know he hasn't become his father, isn't Daddy Echolls. Never had guarded against becoming his mother.

Logan wakes up abruptly, rolls from his side to his back, squeezing his eyes shut against the sudden sting of tears. Something's going on, something more than just pregnancy jitters, but for the moment he can't think. "Tess," he whispers, opening his eyes, looks for her form next to him. "Ace. I'm so sorry." He can't bring himself to touch her, shame too strong, and he slips from the bed, goes to the bathroom. Hides himself in the shower, knows he has to talk to Loki. But he can't bring himself to, remembering how he had allowed that one cry, how he had enjoyed Kendall's mouth on his. This he's gonna try to handle on his own.

Tess' doctor, whatisname... Logan can't remember. He shakes his head. He's in a hallway, white and blue tile. Tess' doctor is talking to him and Logan doesn't really want to hear what he has to say. "The force of the impact," is all he hears, over and over, and he keeps saying "What?" in response over and over.

After dinner Logan kisses her and kisses her and she rolls on top of him and its short and sweet and reminds him how she is his for the rest of his... her life. Ace ignoring him as usual, even with Logan being full angel, Ace too busy growing to listen to his old man. And the three of them asleep together, wrapped up in each other.

Until Logan wakes up in the tiled hallway and he can't and won't hear what the doctor is trying to tell him. He turns away, looks for someone to explain what the hell is going on, and suddenly finds himself on the balcony. Logan begins to guess this might be angel-related; he'd been bombarded with input the first few days, had finally figured out how to tune certain things out, and he's pretty sure whatever fucked-up dream he's having is based on that. He thinks. He hopes.

Because he's on the balcony and somewhere a light's gone out, and Logan can't see as well. Something's missing, something's gone, and the immensity of the absence is so big Logan automatically checks himself, looking for a missing limb. Checks his chest, looking for a gaping hole where his heart may have been torn out. Checks his wings... Wings? Why on earth would he have wings?

Then faintly he hears Ace crying, and he leaves the balcony, enters the suite, follows the sound until he sees Ace on the floor by the couch, crying. He picks up his son, who looks close to one, cuddles him against his chest, but Ace won't quit crying. Logan nods, kisses his boy's head. "You, too, huh, Little Guy? Yeah, I feel it. I know." With the words Logan feels tears on his cheeks, but still can't quite figure out why the two of them are walking around like they've been shot. Maybe doesn't want to figure it out.

"Logan?" Someone is calling him, a woman's voice, and Logan feels better, knows it will be okay. But somewhere a light has gone out, and Logan still can't see clearly.

"See, Ace?" He tells his son, "See? We're okay." But Ace screams louder, tiny fists shaking, tears wetting Logan's shirt.

"Logan, come back to bed."

He walks down the hall, bouncing Ace slightly in his arms as the boy screams. Opens the door to the bedroom and Kendall's in his bed. She sits up and smiles at him, naked, brown hair tumbling over her shoulder. "There you are. Missed you, sugar daddy. Get rid of that thing and come to bed?"

Then there's no Ace, Logan's shirt clean and dry, and he pulls it off as he crosses the room to her, drops it on the floor. Pins Kendall beneath him and kisses her, wants her so bad he groans when she touches him. Still can't figure out why he won't stop crying, why there's nothing but ashes in his chest. He kisses Kendall, nibbles his way down her neck, and abruptly the answer is there, and he stops, whispers, "Tess is gone."

Slams awake with his heart thudding, shaking, his cheeks wet. Rolls over and touches the form curled into his side, hands sliding over Tess' familiar curves, the soft bump where Ace rests. "Tess?" Turns her face into the uncertain light from the window, just as she's blinking awake, runs his thumb over her eyebrows, the sweep of her nose. "Dear Jesus, Tess, you okay?" Actually pulls the blankets away from her body, runs his hands over her arms and chest. "Fuck, Tess, tell me you're okay." Even as she starts to question him, sits up and grabs his hands, makes him look at her, Logan isn't sure. Needs to be sure and he kisses her hard, lays her down underneath him again and uses his mouth and hands to make sure she's there, she's okay. Kisses her as he slides into her heat, only then knowing for sure she's okay, she's here with him and the only light that Logan can see by is still shining.

Logan's never really taken advantage of his Godbox, or his sooper sekrit angelic power of transportation, habit's always sent him to the car and he's never wanted to go anywhere far away from Tess. Pale dawn is skimming the eastern horizon and he's on the balcony, watching the sun rise and for the first time he wants to be away. A mountain top. A deserted island. A hidden valley. It's always like this, first with Lilly, then Veronica, now Tess, they have their little spats and Logan goes in swinging, desperately hanging on to what he loves, doesn't rest until he's sure of their love in return. And the next day hating them -- hating her a little, hating the fact of how much he can be hurt by them. So he thinks mountain top, and there he is.

Cold bites into his skin with icy teeth, air so thin he can hardly breathe and he's nearly floating, nothing to hold him to the earth. He's still dressed in t-shirt and jeans, small drops of blood from Sev's nose across the chest, and he stands on a fucking mountain top so high he can see the curvature of the earth. Clouds move below him and its so cold he gives up, let's the angelic part of him come forward a bit more, protection from the elements.

"Logan? What are you doing?"

He turns his head and his son is standing next to him, his blue eyes, so like his mother's, searching Logan's face with concern. He's probably the same age as Logan is now, and Logan's never been so glad to see anyone in his life.

"Ace. I'm standing on a mountain top." He gestures out over the empty space around them, the granite and rock and ice.

"I can see that, Pops. Why, exactly?"

Logan shrugs, feels his lungs working frantically for air and lets go a little more, letting the angel come forward more. "It's the farthest away I could find."

Ace rubs the back of his neck, puts his hand through his hair. "Mom runs. She bolts and then comes back. Usually. She's the one always looking for space." He looks at Logan. "You're the one who hangs on so tight to things you nearly smother them."

"Well, today I needed space." Logan crosses his hands over his chest. He notices the tips of his fingers are blue.

"You need to get back. You may be unkillable but it still hurts like fuck when you undie."

Logan chuckles, his breath puffing out into nothingness. "You're funny."

"C'mon, Pops. Go home. Mom needs you. I need you. When Mom goes for her nap you always keep me company." Ace touches his father, puts his hand on Logan's shoulder. "I always knew if you did run you'd do it big. But not this. You die here Loki will be pissed, and you'll lose what he gave you. No more father/son talks in the middle of the night."

"She wanted to leave me," Logan said. "Why do they always want to leave?"

"Mom always comes back. Remember the beach when you asked her to go to Greece? She didn't run then." Ace grinned. "Lilly came back. Veronica came back."

For some reason Logan can't stand anymore and he sits, notices how he can't feel his feet anymore. He tries to bring the angel forward more, but its stretched thin, like a too small blanket. "She said I blow her off. She said I--"

"Logan." Ace's voice is faint. "Go home. Please."

Logan's last thought is home.

When he wakes up the sun is up, morning chill dissipated, and he's on the floor of the balcony, staring up into the autumn sky. His jaw aches from Sev's punch, his whole body aches as if he were coming down with flu, and he's shivering. Without thinking he calls Tess's name, pain flaring along his hands and feet as he rolls to his side.

He remembers Ace, remembers his son's hand on his shoulder. He's fucking tired but he concentrates, feels the Little Guy's heartbeat fast and sure, Tess's a strong counterpoint. So, running, not such a good idea. He stumbles to his feet, shaky and nauseous, tries to walk a straight line for the door. Not doing that again. Not unless its a deserted island and Tess is with him and there are absolutely no clothes allowed.

It was the high risk pregnancy search that ambushed him. Logan researching eclampsia and placentia previa and intrauterine growth retardation, each more horrible than the last and its only after about 20 minutes on Xbox that he finally feels less shaky. It's only later that he realizes he'd been worried about the wrong things.

He leaves Sev in the bar after they talk, nearly sprints to the penthouse but Tess is gone and Logan sends Jay home with some muttered curses and stony glares. There's nothing to do, can't smoke with the kids around, not hungry, tired of Xbox, and he finally picks up one of Tess's pregnancy books, flips open to the second month.

The Second Month -- What You May be Feeling: Emotionally

*Instability comparable to premenstrual syndrome, which may include irritability, mood swings, irrationality, weepiness

*Misgivings, fear, joy, elation -- any or all of these

Hormones. Hormones. Hormones. The word of the day. Tess had thrown it at him a couple of times, Lynn, Madeline, and Logan in his typical male way trying to be understanding while thinking of how it's some copout word for women to hide behind. Shit. The Little Guy isn't fucking up his body, laying waste to Tess's usual sunny attitude, and Logan finally gets an inkling of how much it would suck to deal with it. Him walking around fearing the big bad stuff when it's the quote unquote little stuff that's gonna bring him down everytime.

"Well, shit," he says finally, sets the book aside. He thinks about it for a moment, finally pulls the laptop over and sends Tess a message. Checks on the guys one last time, the three of them in one king-size bed, heaped with pillows and blankets and that unique smell that only little boys seem to posses, something like corn chips and sweat and sugar. Finally falls into his own bed, pulls Tess's pillow over, falls asleep with the scent of her shampoo in his nose.

"Holy shit, bro."

Logan, 8 years old, moves uncomfortably. He looks over his shoulder at Dick, hair golden in the sun. "Is it bad?"

He feels Dick's fingers ghost over the welts on his back. Watches the downward turn of Dick's mouth. "Nah," Dick says finally, meeting Logan's eyes. "Not too bad. Does it hurt?"

Logan drops his shirt over his thin chest, over the marks on his back. Adopts Dick's careless, casual tone. "Not much." The thin cotton of his shirt sticks painfully, and he winces. "A little."

"C'mon. My mom has this stuff that helps."

Logan stands on cool tile in Dick's bathroom, shirt off again, Dick standing behind him with a tube of neosporin, and when he finishes, Logan's back is shiny with the stuff. The sting is gone, smothered under the gel. Dick pats him on the shoulder. "There, feel better?"

"Yeah, thanks."

"Cool." Dick's face brightens suddenly. "Hey wanna see a naked girl? I found this magazine."

"You kidding? Totally."

They run down the stairs, crash into Dick's bedroom, and later Logan falls asleep as Dick ponders the mysteries of the female breast.

Fuck you, you don't tell me what to do. Fucking Aaron Junior.

Logan's sitting on the porch of the little bungalow, watching the palm trees against the black sky. He just disconnected from Weevil, telling him to change the security settings on Dick's suite, effectively locking him in. Told him to lay off calling the police.

He thinks about that dream, the ease of dropping the belt so he can open the door. Dick's still holding on to everything that hurts him, the way he (and Logan, Big Dick, plenty of blame to share) treated Cassidy. Logan's not sure what he can do, and maybe Cassidy here was a bad idea. He focuses on Dick's heartbeat, the slight stutter of it under the influence, tries to talk to it like he tries with the Little Guy. Let it go, c'mon bro, let it go. But, again, either he's ignored or inaudible. He sighs, leans back against the steps.

Dick pats his shoulder, little boy fingers sticky with the neosporin. "Feel better?"

Hawaii’s more about scent and feel than anything, despite the riot of color from the flowers and bushes outside their little cabin.  Air thick and warm against his skin, heavily perfumed with a scent Logan can’t quite place, and when he kisses Tess, mouths the skin of her throat or belly or inner thigh, he’s flooded with it and its all he can do not to become lost in it.  Yep, he’s pretty sure Tess wins Hawaii.  Not his fault she’s so damn hot, with her hair falling in her eyes and salt water on her lips and the slight pink over her shoulders from the sun.  Shit.  He never had a chance.
 
He wakes up early, Tess warm and inviting next to him, her hand flung out on the comforter with his ring on her finger muted in the pre-dawn darkness.  He’s still utterly bemused by the fact that he’s absolutely, 350 percent not terrified that he’s now a married man.   Maybe ‘cause its Tess, Tess in the tree and then he had been terrified, but now its months later and he’s just realizing that Tess had always been home to him.  Home since his last visit to the Coronado Bridge, before Lynn showed up.
 
He nuzzles into her neck for a moment, listening to her heartbeat, calm and happy under his hand.  Switches focus and checks on the Little Guy.  Still excited about something, still impatient and raring to go, and Logan tries to send a mental easy, easy, kid but he’s either ignored or inaudible to the tadpole Tess is harboring. Logan smiles slightly, and kisses the spot behind Tess’s ear, starts to work his way down her neck with small nips and kisses until she stirs, mouth curving into a grin.
 
“Don’t open your eyes, Tess, just listen okay?”  He caresses the soft skin of her ribs, brushes over the side of one breast.  “I’m glad you talked to me yesterday.  It’s like, boom, ya know?  Suddenly you’re here with me and I ... I love that.  I love that you wanna talk to me, I love knowing how your mind works.  I feel like I can give you space now, when and if you need it, without feeling like you’re pushing me away.”  His hand moves to the waistband of her panties, outlines the skin just above the elastic, and he outlines her jaw with small, open-mouthed kisses. “So, yeah,” he breathes, “talk to me anytime, sweet thing.”

He’s fighting sleep, which, as everyone knows, is a losing battle from the beginning. Logan’s never been one for giving in easily, and he rolls blunts and slams Red Bulls and plays X-box until the screen blurs. Then drops into bed with Tess, using fingers and lips and tongue to tease her and love her, loses himself in her until she either comes or falls asleep. He denies himself the same comfort, of letting Tess’s and the Little Guy’s heartbeat drag him down into sleep. He’s sure on the back of his eyelids there will be Aaron, Aaron who always pops up just when everything else is terrific.

But the battle was doomed from the start, he shoulda known, how many times has he watched Freddy Krueger as a kid, huddled under a blanket with his fist clenched in Dick’s shirt? But Logan’s never picked his battles, always head first and already swinging, and sometimes he wins and sometimes he loses, and this one – he’s out on the couch by 5 in the morning after being up nearly 24 hours.

He dreams of a white room. He’s there, holding a black belt, and he’s not sure if he’s supposed to give it to someone or use it on someone, but no one is there with him. Just him, with both hands wrapped tightly around the belt, and the buckle is digging uncomfortably into his palm.

He can hear Tess calling him, teasing and affectionate. She's calling him from somewhere outside of the room, and there’s the door, and the knob, but to open the door he needs to drop the belt. So he does, and opens the door.

And he wakes up.

Tess is sitting on the arm of the couch looking down at him and he blinks at her for a moment, processing. He’s got a hell of a hang over, his head throbbing, but he grins at her, tells her, Hey, babe, I dropped the belt. Which probably doesn’t make any sense to her, but he kisses her, pulls her down next to him on the couch, and sleeps like he hasn’t for years.

He’s good for almost 24 hours.

Riding that wave from Tess, that wave of contentment and happy centered around him and the little guy she’s carrying, and Logan doesn’t think about it, just siphons off of it and pretends its him, too. They pack, godbox to Salt Lake, check into their room in the Marriott across from the Mormon temple, and Logan’s got it down, can smile and lose himself in the way Tess is, for the most part, just happy.

He wakes up in the middle of the night gasping and fighting for air, stumbles out of bed and into the small kitchen. Same dream he’s always had, that pops up most often when things are good in his life. First time was with Veronica that first year in Hearst, V in his bed most nights, V tucked firmly away into his heart, and at night he rolls over and goes to sleep and it’s Aaron again. Then Tess, that first night in New Mexico, Aaron pops into his mind and everything he’s accomplished is for shit.

Logan finds a glass, finds the faucet, and throws back the water wishing it was something stronger. The same dream, him standing over some kid, he can’t see the kid’s face, and in his hand is a belt and Aaron is whispering in his ear, telling him, yeah, son, do it, kid deserves it. And he does it every time, and nearly every time the kid has his face, once it was Dick’s, once it was Veronica’s. Logan’s thankful to every god there is that it’s never been Tess.

He can’t go back to sleep, stands for a moment watching Tess, her chest rising and falling with her breathing, and always, the nearly inaudible beat of her heart and the baby’s. Finally finds his way to the balcony, and gives a short bark of laughter at what he finds. The balcony overlooks the Mormon temple, puts him nearly eye to eye with the angel on top of it

Logan grabs the railing, white knuckles around the iron, stares at the stupid fucking angel and is amazed at how completely torn in half he is. That little fluttery heartbeat, counterpoint to Tess’s, and losing it would be nearly the same as losing Tess, Logan wanting to love it the same. Aaron had loved him, too. But when would it happen? The first time the kid drools on Logan’s new suit? When the kid accidently drops a pitcher of Kool-Aid? When the kid asks one too many times for some Rocky Road ice cream?

The angel thing hadn’t done a thing to change that. Logan listens to the little guy’s heartbeat and knows it’s only a matter of time.

Logan decides he’s still going surfing in the morning, the thought of the sea too tempting to resist. Today he has to deal with being Mr. Hotel Owner again, deal with the accountant he had called a fucktard because the guy couldn’t give him the right figures, and he needs the feel of salt water over his face. Oh, yeah, and dealing? Dealing with the thought of fatherhood. Okay, back up. Baby steps, Echolls. Dealing with the thought of dealing with the thought of fatherhood.

He cajoles and persuades and nags Tess into coming with him, goes for lighthearted and dorky even though he’s terrified of letting her out of his sight. He knows Tess’s first instinct when shit hits is to run, is to bolt for space and while it’s always scared him he’d learned to deal, knowing that she’ll always come back. Last night he suddenly wasn’t so sure, and he wants to keep Tess locked up in the suite with 24/7 surveillance. Instead he wraps her up in a hoodie and a blanket, keeps touching her as they ride down to the kitchen and he snags a thermos of coffee and some bagels for the beach.

Logan figures the ocean is the only place big enough to make all his shit seem small, the only place where he can let go and not worry for a while. He’s even able to think about Aaron out there, can actually talk about his father, and he and Dick had spent hours just sitting and playing the game of who’s father is the biggest asshole. Logan keeps thinking of bringing Tess out, sitting her in front of him on the surfboad with nothing but sky and ocean and maybe finally he can let her see exactly what who he is and why she means so much to him.

He leaves Tess on a blanket on the sand, leaves her with the coffee and the bagels and a few minutes of kissing ‘cause he’s still wary of leaving her. Paddles toward that spot where sea meets sky, turns and faces the beach. Tess is a small figure, her hair bright in the morning sun, huddled up and nearly indistinct. He catches a few waves, does a few moves to show off for his girl, but the sea is choppy and he finally just sits, lets the waves rock him.

Logan isn’t stupid. There’s a good chance that the baby isn’t even his. His knuckles whiten where he grips the surfboard. Fucking Loki and fucking Azrael and he’s gonna kill Azrael, maybe Brian, too, just on principle. He’s not sure what he could even do about it, how to even address the subject with Tess. The sea starts swelling underneath him and he shakes himself, starts paddling to catch a final ride.

The wave comes crashing like a fist to the jaw, knocks Logan off his surfboard and drags him deep, leaves him suspended in deep blue. The tether around his ankle tugs at him, his surfboard somewhere on top of the water, and he fights it for a moment, wants to stay under.

His lungs are burning. Fine, Tesla. Fine. You ask for the bull, you get the horns. Logan kicks hard for the surface. Finds his surfboard, climbs on and spends a couple of minutes coughing up sea water. He rubs his face, sees Tess standing on the beach and gives her a wave to let her know he’s okay. He grins, and everything, suddenly, is better. Doesn’t matter if Tess’s gonna give birth to fucking Damien, or something little and small and completely theirs. Doesn’t matter if he ends up dressed in suits and ties the rest of his life. This was all that matters.

He paddles in, digs the end of the surfboard in the sand, and walks over to where Tess is waiting for him. He’s dripping and wet and stays back a few feet so he doesn’t get her wet. He doesn’t look at her, stares out at the sky and the sea.

"You wanna come with me to Greece? Greece seems like a good place to get married."

It started that first week Tess had moved in.

Logan comes in the door after a frustrating yet exhilirating crash course in hotel management, and he's holding a box of roses that cost him close to $200 -- red, pink, white, lilac, a deep, dark red nearly black. Logan smiles innocently at the look Tess throws him. "What? Some lady got them from some dick she doesn't like, and she didn't want them." Tess's look gets sharper. "It was either bring them home or throw them away, babe," Logan says, lying like a rug. "Couldn't let that happen." Logan takes the lid of the box, the roses beautiful and perfect, and the rest of the evening he catches Tess's lingering glances at the bouquet. He wins.

The next time was the day before Cappadora appeared. Logan leaves the most advanced Ipod he could find on Tess's pillow, fully loaded, with every song and video carefully hand picked. He covers it with a yellow sticky note which simply said some kid left this behind --strange huh? and his initial. The rest of the day -- fuck, the whole week -- Tess doesn't say a word. Saturday morning Logan sleeps in, and when he wakes up Tess is in the kitchen and the fucking Ipod is on his chest. The sticky note says very strange how some kid has the exact same taste as you, buster and her name. The Ipod has the entire Jay-Z library on it, and Logan falls back on the bed and laughs. She wins.

Then there's the day after the Greatest Sex in the World, Logan hits the jewelry store as soon as it opens, spends close to 45 minutes (which in Lynn time equals an entire day) and finally picks out a simple amethyst and diamond pendant. He looks at it ruefully on the way home, knows she'll never believe he just found it somewhere, despite his awesome story about finding it in a glass bottle washed up on the beach. He stops at a restaurant supply store before he gets home, finds an industrial strength margarita blender. At home he puts it on the counter, hides the necklace for another time, and tells her what a good investment it is. He wins.

After that there's the professional grade Cuisinart, the copper bottomed pots and pans, the stainless steel cookie sheets. And Tess couldn't refuse them, Logan saying every time what a good investment they were, and he would catch her watching him with narrowed eyes and would have to do the whole innocent look back at her. He has a long winning streak.

The day after she's raped he breaks down and pulls her into his lap, holds her tightly while he sobs, feels her sobbing as well. That night he sets the necklace on her pillow while she watches, tells her about the bottle on the beach, and she smiles despite her tears and answers back how lucky he is to have found it. Neither of them win that night, and Logan always has his heart in his throat when he sees her wearing it, sees her thoughtfully playing with the chain.

The there's the whole fucking Lassiter thing, and Logan's very proud of himself for acting the mature adult though he had picked out the spot where he would murder Lassiter, and buys the knives with every intent of resuming their little game.

The Mustang is never mentioned. Because that right there? Was soooo cheating.

I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off...

Logan's out on the balcony again, looking out over the lights of Neptune toward the sea.  He needs to go see Lynn, give her that visit he promised.  He's hungry.  He thinks about sending a message to Josef, trying very hard not to call the enraged vampire a piece of shit.  He imagines Madeline's hate, Shawn's scorn.  He needs a new brown shirt.

I wish I was a sacrifice that somehow still lived on...

He can fix it, he's sure of it.  Give him the tools and he can give Veronica her happily ever after.  Veronica wants Josef (he thinks) and Logan has always been about making sure the women in his life get what they want.  He and Juliet had found a gorgeous lapis luzi pendant for Lynn on his way home from jail.  Trent's working hard on the restaurant that will someday pass to Tess.  See?  That right there?  People in his life need something, Logan will get it for them.  He can fix it.

I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on...

He pulls Tess from the water.  She sputters, coughs, looks at him wide-eyed.

"Jesus Christ, Tesla, you gonna do that to me?  You said forever, are you only saying that because you can count down the hours until forever is through?  Don't you get that if you're gone, so'm I?  You're everything.  Everything."  He grabs her chin and kisses her, and then has to walk away because he doesn't want her to remember someone else, someone hurting her while he loves her.  Walks out to the balcony and watches the stars come out.

I wish I was the verb to trust and never let you down...

Logan spends nearly 10 minutes pounding on Dick's door, cursing.  "Dick. son of a bitch, open the door."  He stops, rests his forehead on the wood for a moment, as the hallway is spinning and Logan figures maybe that last blunt had been one too many.  His head feels heavier than the rest of him.  Its too late at night to be anything but asleep but all Logan can hear is the sound of the door slamming as Tess leaves and the way she hadn't said I love you back.

The door opens suddenly, and Logan stumbles in, puts a hand out to stop himself falling.  There's a girl in front of him, all bottle blonde with huge tits and Logan is very aware of her tits because she isn't wearing a shirt.  And Logan's not falling to the floor because his hand on her chest stops him.  The girl grunts, takes a step back, and Logan hurriedly withdraws his hand.  "Dick.  Where's Dick?"

The girl shrugs, looking at him speculatively.  "I dunno, asleep."  Her eyes narrow, and she steps closer to him and Logan keeps his eyes focused on her chin.  "You're Logan Echolls, aren't you?"

Logan wills himself not to look down, studies the girl's earlobe intently.  "Last I checked," he says automatically.

She laughs, low and throaty, and Logan hears an alarm bell go off in his brain.  "Oh, you're so funny."  She touches his chest, briefly, and steps back, gestures into the room with one naked shoulder.  "Wanna come in?"

Logan looks at her tits and the smooth skin of her stomach, and yeah, it's been awhile cause of the month he's been having, but then there's Aaron Echolls in the back of his head, and when was the last time his father's voice had spoken to him?  Aaron Echolls and the countless women he'd been with, and Lynn's pale face when he would come home smelling like sex and  booze.  Logan steps back so fast he almost falls,  and he's babbling at this girl,  panicked.  "No, I'm  good, I'm good, I have a girlfriend, maybe you should, uh, put a shirt on or something."  'Cause fuck what Lynn said, in this especially he will never be like his father at all.  Still, its kinda undignified, the way he almost runs down the hall.

He turns the corner for the suite, and there's a man standing at the door.  It's dark and late and the guy seems to radiate a don't fuck with me vibe that Logan feels even baked.  He turns at the sound of Logan's step, tall and foreboding with dark hair and a dark beard.  "Who the fuck're you?"  Logan says, coming to a stop.

The man steps forwards a little, catching the light on his face.  "You Tesla's boyfriend?"

Logan goes for intimidating in his posture.  "Last I checked."  God, he needs to find better material.

The guy's mouth quirks, Logan can tell he's trying not to laugh.  "I wanted to talk to you."

"Who are you?"  Logan says again, taking a step back.

"John.  I know Tesla, kinda, spoke to her the other day.  The day after that kid attacked her."

Logan relaxes, remembers Tess telling him about the guy with the car.  "Whaddya wanna talk about?"

"You killed him, didn't you?"

Everything and everyone kinda freezes at that point, until Logan jerks to the door, flings it open.  "Come inside."

They sit, and Logan stares at this guy, he sits easily, takes in his surroundings quickly.  "How do you know?"

"Tesla said the guy's probably dead, said you were having a hard time."  John shrugged.  "Kinda put two and two together.  I came earlier, to talk to both of you, but figured... it wasn't a good time."

Logan fidgets with the Xbox controller on the coffee table.  "You ever kill someone?"

John's mouth quirks again, and this time Logan can tell its not from humor.  "Yeah."

"He deserved it."

"I know.  I'da done the same."

"Then, tonight.  Tess's mad 'cause -- I don't wanna have kids.  She did that for me, you know?  The operation where she's -- she can't have kids."

John shifts, and Logan sees surprise on his face.  "She's young for that."

Logan makes a face.  "So people keep telling me."  He leans forward.  "I figured, she did that for me.  So, I, uh.  I killed for her.  Kinda evens out, right?"

"Shit, kid," John says immediately.  "It's easy to pull the trigger.  It's harder not to."

Logan frowns, turns that over in his mind.  "You're going all Yoda on me, John.  The fuck does that mean?"

John spreads his hands.  "You pull the trigger, everything's done, that's it.  Show's over.  You chose not to pull the trigger, you have to deal with life.  And there's no such thing as being even in a relationship, kid.  Don't keep score.  Just keep giving.  If you got the right girl, she'll do the same."  He stands, shoves his hands in his pockets.  "As to kids...  I can't tell you how many times my boys have saved my life.  Literally and figuratively.  They become your whole life, kid.  I got a new one, at home...." He trails off, and sees the face Logan is making.  "Yeah, whatever.  Just another poor sap tied around his daughter's finger."

Logan flinches, 'cause yeah, he had been kinda thinking that.  But he thinks about how Tess has him tight around her finger, how he loves to spoil her and make her face light up and make her laugh.  He thinks about the protectiveness he feels about Dick, kinda about Shawn, knows he can trust them with anything and hopes to God they feel the same.  How those feelings could transfer easily to someone who's half Tess.

"Look, I gotta get back.  It's my turn to stay up with Gen.  Give Tesla my best."

Logan stands, suddenly panicking. "What do I do now?  How do I fix this?"

John grins, and Logan wonders how he ever thought this guy was foreboding.  "Apologize like the dog you are.  On your knees.  Bearing jewelry and chocolate and those funny little teddy bears that women seem to love."  His face darkens a little, and he puts out a hand, thumps Logan's shoulder a bit too hard.  "And don't use that tone of voice on your mother again, boy, you hear?"

"Yes, sir," Logan says automatically, and John opens the door, is using his godbox and gone before Logan can speak.

Logan decides that 2 in the morning and baked off his ass is the perfect time to find a jewelry store.